Dealing with difficult people
Having to deal with a ‘difficult’ person can be a major challenge. It can be quite an anxiety-provoking experience to have to manage a situation in which someone is being ‘difficult’ in some way. There is, of course, no simple formula solution for dealing with ‘difficult’ people (if there were, we would not regard dealing with such situations as ‘difficult’!). However, an important basic guideline to recognize is that there are no ‘difficult people’, only difficult situations. While some people may be more likely than others to contribute to difficulties arising, we should be wary of making the mistake of assuming that some people are difficult ‘by nature’.
The reasons for difficult situations arising are many and varied, and so it is a gross oversimplification to put things down to a ‘difficult’ person. Some of the factors that can lead to difficulties include:
• A mismatch of expectations — for example, someone arrives for what they believe to be an advanced-level course only to find that it is an introductory course and therefore too basic for their needs. Clarifying and negotiating expectations can be useful here, but if someone feels they have been misled and thereby treated disrespectfully, they may well react badly.
• Feeling threatened — If someone feels they are under threat in any way (they only have to feel they are under threat, even if there is no actual threat intended), then they may react in a way that raises tensions. For example, if someone feels their values are being undermined, they may challenge this — and may not have the skills or patience to challenge constructively.
• Not being listened to — if someone feels they are not being listened to, they may say what they have to say more forcefully, and that can lead to an escalation. If people feel uncomfortable with something being said quite forcefully, their discomfort may be interpreted by the person concerned as not being listened to, and he or she may then communicate even more forcefully in response.
This is not an exhaustive list, but it should be enough to show that ‘difficult’ situations are very complex, with a combination of factors leading to the problems that are being experienced. Simply attaching a label of ‘difficult person’ to someone is a far from adequate response — and can make the situation worse. Perhaps the person concerned is doing things we would prefer them not to do, but that is not the whole story. We need to ask ourselves:
• Are they acting reasonably from their own point of view? For example, if someone feels they are being treated disrespectfully, is their response reasonable? If so, don’t tackle their response, tackle the underlying issue of: what has led this person to feel they have been treated badly and how can we remedy that situation?
• Have we considered the wider situation, rather than just the individual’s behaviour? Perhaps other people involved (including ourselves) are fuelling the fire in some way, albeit unwittingly.
This is not to say that no-one ever behaves irresponsibly and that there is always a good reason to justify someone’s actions — that would be naïve. However, even where someone is behaving inappropriately, attaching a label doesn’t necessarily help — it can, in fact, encourage the behaviour we are unhappy with. It is certainly the case that some people don’t always help themselves, that they may make a bad situation worse by their reaction to it, but recognizing that is still a long way from the simplistic practice of putting people into a ‘difficult person’ box, rather than consider the situation carefully and try and understand what is happening.
Dr Neil Thompson is an independent writer, educator, a visiting professor at the Open University and an adviser to the Vigoroom workplace wellbeing platform (www.vigoroom.co.uk). His Academy at www.NeilThompson.info offers an annual subscription service giving access to 60 of his online courses. This is available to individuals for less than £2 per course or a corporate subscription for up to 300 staff at just £3,000 +VAT.
